How the pilot for "Dracula" was SUPPOSED to go the pilot opens with Van Helsing doing some archaeology and excavating Dracula's tomb.  Fine.  Helsing's chatty partner notices Dracula was apparently buried with a shit ton of gold.  Good...they're going to need funds, so why not?  Helsing then slits his chatty partner's throat to wake Dracula.

And this where things started to go horribly wrong.  Dracula not only wakes right away, but centuries (I'm guessing) of dessication are magically healed in seconds, and he's made whole.

WRONG.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.

This is a 10-episode season, so the first two episodes should've shown Dracula healing slowly over time, while establishing his back story (after all, this is a reboot, right?  Tell us what you're rebooting).  Now's a great time to give us flashbacks of his lady love, and tell us how he came to be locked so gracelessly in an iron box.  Let's listen to his Romanian accent and perhaps get a glimpse of life in his native Wallachia.  Let's hear his thoughts about how much the world has changed.

Then let's take him to London.

And when we take him to London, let's not give him a black manservant.  I mean, no offense to Nonso Anozie (who plays the somewhat mysterious R. M. Renfield); by all means, let's have some POC on this show.  This takes place in London; was Idris Elba to busy to play a scholar or vampire overlord to school us on Being a Vamp 101 or something?

Dracula is from Romania; we couldn't have some more Eastern Europeans on this ride?  Some Roma?

Secondly, this lame-ass plot about vengeance against the Order the Dragon need to be scrapped.  Whoever came up with it should be shot.  Vlad Tepes II - father of the Vlad the Impaler a.k.a. "Dracula"- was a member of the Order of the Dragon.  So let's roll with it; talk about its creation, give us a morbid history lesson, and show us ancient Romanian culture in its full glory.

The quip about Jack the Ripper having been a vampire - and having an older female Vampire Slayer - is all good stuff, but it's not good enough to make us care.  Come on, NBC.  You got Jonathan Rhys Meyers to agree to play a vampire - Dracula, no less.  That practically writes its damn self and this was the best you could do?  No wonder the pilot's a free download on iTunes!

*sighs and rubs temples* I need to write my own vamp series.  No one's done it right since Blade and Joss Whedon.


  1. I'm with you on this. 10 episodes? Time enough to give us some great backstory and fleshing out of dear Vlad. Who gives a rat's ass about this oil baron shit? It's like these motherfuckers shot their squirt on our bellies within the first ten seconds and expect us to get pregnant with excitement. Shittin' me.

    1. Exactly. They just threw a bunch of shit us all in one ep - and didn't bother to make sense - and it is a bona fide hot mess.

    2. Epic fail. Epic. *shakes head* Someone's head should roll for this.

      I need to write my own vamp series.

      Something we could collab on, if either of us don't already have enough writing projects on the table. Love vampires and they haven't been done justice since Blade; hurts my soul.

    3. For real. I LOVE vampires, but over the last decade, it seems like no one can get them right.

    4. Thanks for saving me the time. I had seen the advertisements, but had not seen the show. Now I won't bother. To be honest I'm tired of all the vampires because the stories are just being regurgitated over and over and over again. Same crap different channel. Oh they might change the age range, but that is about it.

  2. And THIS is why fanfiction is often necessary - to take the pile of shit offered by the source and polish it up into something palatable.

    This reminds me of how awful that 'Memoirs of a Geisha' movie was. When my elective college project on Japanese kimono was far more accurate than what's seen in a big-budget film, something is wrong.


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