Into the Valley ~ The Ex-Files #Uhura

Previously ~ Aftermath

The Boys

“I am not going to teach you how to masturbate.”

Spock merely blinked at his clearly appalled roommate; he was too confused to be offended by the crudeness of that statement. “Hikaru, I was merely inquiring as to how human males—”

“Look, I know we’re close,” Hikaru cut him off, hands raised in panic as if to ward him off, “and I’m flattered that you trust me, and I am so glad we get along. But this…this is going too far. If we don’t end this conversation now, it could seriously fuck up our relationship.”

“I’m merely trying to understand the adolescent human male ritual of…self-soothing,” Spock finished delicately. “What is its true purpose? How is it done? Why is it such a necessity for human functioning?”

“Why the hell are you asking?” Hikaru hadn’t meant to sound so shrill, but the Vulcan was sincerely freaking him out. And the really bewildering part was that Spock, despite all that brainpower, couldn’t even realize what he was doing. To him, things were either cultural or clinical, with no human in between.

“If I am to understand my human half, should I not be more participatory in traditional human male activities?” Spock asked. “So far, my willingness to indulge certain human customs has produced satisfactory results, therefore the reasonable course of action would be to explore them further. The flower, for example, seemed to charm Nyota. The wine allowed her to better understand my time on Illias Prime, thereby bringing us closer together—bonding us, if you will. And the traditional ‘goodnight kiss’—”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!” Hikaru stopped him. For a moment, he stared at his roommate, unable to recognize him. “You kissed Nyota?”

“Yes,” Spock nodded, and there was something self-satisfactory about it. Like he’d mastered a new move in Suus Mahna, or effectively learned another Romulan dialect.

Hikaru was so astonished he found himself stammering like an idiot. “B-but..b-but why?”

Spock blinked again, and this time, there was the tiniest flicker of worry in his eyes. “Because,” he began hesitantly, “…you told me to?”

“I didn’t think you’d actually do it!” Hikaru exclaimed. There was that shrill voice again; it seemed to have an adverse effect on the Vulcan, for he winced slightly and his ears turned a little greener.

“Waaaiiit a minute,” Hikaru drawled, slowly putting the pieces together. “You kissed her last night? After the date?”

“Affirmative.” Again, the confident nod.

“Was it…agreeable?”

“Very much so,” the Vulcan stated, “for both parties. I sensed a rise in her temperature as well as a mild emotional impression of…pleasure.” He seemed to utter the last word with triumph.

Hikaru’s lips worked to keep from laughing. When he was sure he was under control, he asked slyly, “And how did you sleep last night?”

His roommate shifted slightly on his bed, and averted his gaze. Hikaru felt his chest was about to explode with restrained laughter, but he knew it would be too cruel. This was all very new for the Vulcan, and he didn’t want to be the insensitive human bastard who traumatized him.

“There was some…discomfort,” Spock admitted with pained hesitance. “The side effects of kissing were unexpected and unfamiliar.” He paused for a moment, lost deep in thought. “This didn’t happen the last time I attempted to orally meld with another humanoid.”

Hikaru felt the Earth stop spinning as his own heartbeat came to a screeching halt. For a moment he seemed incapable of drawing breath, and when he finally could, he furiously demanded, “The last time you did what?”

Before Spock could reply, Hikaru was on his feet, frantically pacing the room like a scorned wife. “When? With whom? Where? And where the hell was I?”

Spock dutifully answered each question. “Thirty-three days ago. With Vira Zwan. In Science Lab 7. You were having an…herbal session with Jim and Lenny.”

“Vira…,” Hikaru trailed off, shocked into speechlessness as his chest threatened to explode, this time from sheer bafflement. When he spoke, his words dripped with the utter loathing of one horrifically betrayed. “You…kissed that…that talking encyclopedia?  Without telling me?”

“I was thinking of you the whole time,” Spock quickly assured him. “I recall feeling unprepared and uninformed about how to conduct a proper oral meld.”

“Goddamn it, Spock it’s called a ‘kiss’!” Hikaru roared. “I thought all you pointy-eared types are supposedly incapable forgetting shit once you learn it! And do you seriously expect me to believe you were regretting not talking to me first before you locked lips with that chatty, spotted, unjoined roommate repellant?”

Spock’s voice came out sheepishly, or at least its Vulcan equivalent.

“She doesn’t repel Nyota,” he softly pointed out.

“Does she know?” Hikaru demanded lowly, eyes serious and dangerous as he came to stand in front of his roommate and lean in. “Does Nyota know you two had a thing?”

“We did not ‘have a thing’,” Spock clarified, slightly miffed. “Vulcans appreciate females with highly developed intellectual functioning. Unfortunately for Vira, we also require females with appropriate communication skills. She and I were merely curious, and it was primarily an anatomical curiosity, not an emotional one. I neither have nor had any desire to pursue her, and vice versa.”

Hikaru sat down, momentarily pacified. “She’s not going to like this, you know,” he shook his head. When Spock simply replied with a confused expression, Hikaru wearily attempted to explain.

“Human females—especially teenaged females—can be…highly territorial when it comes to romance.”

The Vulcan raised an eyebrow. Hikaru immediately recognized Spock’s “intrigued” face.

“They don’t like to share,” he continued simply. “Like, really don’t like to share, when it comes to guys. This could permanently damage her friendship with Vira.”

Spock shook his head. “Your logic is flawed,” he said confidently. “I do not want Vira; she does not want me. Our oral—our kiss occurred prior to Nyota’s arrival at Stellar Valley, and Vira and I have not spoken to each other since. Ergo, I do not foresee conflict should Nyota learn of our history.”

Hikaru leaned towards his roommate and spoke very, very slowly to ensure comprehension. “Spock,” he began lowly, “do you really believe that when Nyota, an adolescent, hormonal human female, finds out the guy she likes a lot kissed her roommate—the same roommate she confides everything in—and no one thought to give her that precious little tidbit of information…do you honestly think her reaction is going to be ‘logical’?”

The Girls

“So,” Nyota asked, taking another bite of her Coridanite open-faced sandwich, “was there, like, tongue?”

“God, no,” Vira shuddered. She squirted a bunch of ketchup onto her Denebrian potato fries. “We never got past the lips.”

 “How come?”

“Well, by now you’ve noticed Vulcans have an extremely high body temperature.”

“Which you failed to mention.”

The Trill rolled her eyes. “For the millionth time, Ny, I’m sorry. But humans are fairly warm-blooded themselves, so for you it’s not that big a deal.”

“And Trills….”

“Aren’t,” Vira shook her head. She grabbed her roommate’s wrists for emphasis. “Feel how cold my hands are? It’s not just the mess hall doing this—my skin feels like that all the time.”

“So—” and here Nyota couldn’t stop herself from giggling, “—you were too cold for him and he was too hot for you?”

Vira winked and snickered, “Something like that. You should’ve seen the look on his face after he jumped back like a startled kitten.”

Nyota threw back her head and laughed, and her friend laughed with her.

“Why didn’t you just tell me this before?” Nyota asked when the laughter subsided.

Vira cocked her head to the side. “Honestly…would you have still wanted to go out with him if I had? I know my humans, Ny.”

~ “Self-Soothing” for Dummies – Vulcan First Edition